Off The Grid

Sooooo.... it's been a while. We made a last minute trip to NY, which was fun but exhausting and Momo got sick. Then I got sick. And Noah left town for work for two weeks, and so it goes. Sometimes we are just trying to put one foot in front of the other, right? What the past few weeks have got me thinking about is am I really ready to saddle up and do this FET in August?

Answer, no.

And this is the luxury of having an embryo on ice. A kidsicle, as one of my friends calls it. 

I did my blood work, again for the zillionth time and realized I am still so run down I can't fathom being pregnant again. I don't know if my body would oblige. The thought of the progesterone shots and the drive to the fertility clinic for monitoring feel...like too much. So I'm trusting my gut and pushing back. Maybe October/November. On the one hand I feel relived and will continue to enjoy several cups of morning coffee and a sweet hard cider before bed, but on the other hand I feel a slight panic. It's the same panic many of us feel on IF Island, the panic of time passing x age/ number of gray hairs. I'm not getting any younger and in fact I think I might be aging exponentially. I might be 57 next year. I have these moments where I think about/laugh at how pre-IF Island I thought I'd have two kids by 33 and I have to fight a twinge of resentment to the universe that five years of my life somehow got sucked down a strange vortex. I fight this by looking at Momo and appreciating the fight for her and the amazing human that she is. 

Part of my wanting to move forward with embryo #2 is wondering if it will work, and wondering what we will feel if it doesn't. Is the baby making chapter closed, perhaps. Will we try on our own until I'm 50? Probably. Will we explore an egg donor...that one I don't know about but probably not. All we can do is cross these bridges when we get to them, it's just kind of hard to get to them right now. 

I have several friends right now in process. One had a crazy experience where she passed out while doing her HCG trigger shot, fell over, knocked her head on the bathroom sink, had a small seizure and came to with blood on the back of her head. She was so afraid of going under anesthesia for the retrieval the next day, she considered doing it without but realized she might have a full blown panic attack and climb the walls. Maybe this will be something she laughs about later but all I could feel when she was describing this scene, in tears, was sad. This is her...maybe 6th IVF? She is doing everything she can and holy moly she's passed out with a bloody head the day before retrieval? It's too much. Sometimes all of this is just too much. 

I guess my thoughts are really about knowing when we need to plough forward and knowing when we can or need to pull back. And realizing this... situation...for many is kind of banana pancakes. The lengths one will go for a chance at a baby--It's admirable and crazy making and for many of us just par for the course. 

Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings along the path? Feeling so determined and ready to move forward versus needing to pull back? Hope everyone on IF Island is doing well. Sorry for lagging in checking in. 

Comments

[Sara Elliott]

I caught up on some posts of yours and this is right where I am. After 5+ years and a lot of loss, I have a 16 month old sleeping beside me while I stay up worrying about our one remaining kidsicle! We have an appointment late August. But right now I am so tired, from parenting and working that I fear my aging body isn't ready. I was looking at photos tonight thinking I don't look as old as I feel, but I do feel depleted and I know IF plays a role. Like others on the thread, I feel both like I want a sibling for her and also hoping that maybe I can feel at peace with her as an only child.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you so much for sharing everyone and Pamela-- OMG, I don't even know what to say other than wishing you so much love and luck. What a ride.

[Lindsay]

This winding road just sucks sometimes. I wrote not long ago when we got pregnant through an FET back in March. We have a 2 1/2 year old, and had two frozen "kidsicles" left. Well, after what seemed like a completely normal first trimester - the baby's heartbeat was strong and his/her growth was on point - I went in for the 12 week appointment in mid-May and that beautiful little heartbeat was gone. They chalked it up to a chromosomal issue. I had a D&C the next day and the trauma is still resonating. I'd had a miscarriage before - only a few months before getting pregnant with our daughter - but it was much earlier (6 week mark, a blighted ovum) and this time, the loss has been devastating in a way that I could have never prepared for.

What especially sucks is the fact that my entire mindset has shifted. When I started off taking my BC pills in February, I felt so peaceful about the outcome; my mantra was "What will be will be" because we had our daughter and a second would be icing on the cake - we'd already achieved our dream of parenthood. When I got pregnant, I felt so confident that God had my back on this one because I'd already been through enough. But now, after going through this fresh new physical and mental hell, my entire mindset has shifted and I feel as restless as I did before we had our daughter. I've gone from being at peace with whatever outcome to feeling that I won't have peace until we have that sibling for our daughter. I'm not sure why I feel that way, it's just that my heart wants what it wants. We do have one more frozen embryo left and we're being told by our RE to go for it; since we have our healthy daughter from this batch of embryos she said there is no reason to believe that the last one won't be normal as well. But instead of entering into it with a sense of optimism and calm, I'm nervous and anxious. Like I said, sometimes this road just sucks. I'm done asking 'what ifs' because that doesn't change the outcome; but I'm NOT done asking WHY. Knowing how this all turned out I wouldn't change trying to get pregnant with this baby because I'd do anything for my babies, but why do I have to suffer through this bullshit when too many undeserving dipshits are able to procreate with no problem? I'm sure we all ask ourselves that. If this FET doesn't work out I don't know what I'll do next. My husband and I have not ruled out a few rounds of IUI because it's less invasive, and might even feel like a walk in the park compared to what we've been through. I also really don't think I want to go through another fresh cycle. Anyway, that's my story. Exhausted, emotionally drained and determined as hell to make it through this battle on the other side. Sending my well wishes to all of you.

[María]

I'm just in that moment. We have a boy that was conceived through egg donation (he's almost 2 years old). And we had an embryo left. We did the transfer in march and it didn't work.
We feel so drained and guilty because the treatment took away so much from us, emotionally, physically and economically that part of us stopped living the everyday life with our baby boy. So now, we're thinking about loving our life as it is.
I don't want to feel drained and I don't want to suffer and think about what we don't have instead of enjoying my life as it is! So for now, we are fully present in our life and it's a gift.

[Heather]

I decided to take a break after the third miscarriage (last November). I didn't know for how long, but knew no matter what that I needed to feel strong again. This includes physically, mentally and emotionally. I went back to the gym, took an impromptu trip to Italy with my husband, visited my best friend in another state, and am about to head to Napa for a girls trip with my aunt and cousin. I felt like I put my life on hold - like somehow that would help me get and stay pregnant. If anything, I had tons of anxiety and felt disconnected from my feelings. This time has been so healing and very necessary. I'm about to embark on another FET from a donor embryo (transfer in July). I have some mixed feelings, but mostly positive and trusting of the process. So, that's a long way of saying that I acknowledge the importance of listening to your body and trusting your instincts.

[Pamela]

Oh my gosh, lately for us it's been a complete roller coaster. We waited and waited for a donor embryo profile that really resonated with us, and when it happened I felt so happy and peaceful. I felt like I was being pulled forward by the universe, like THIS WAS IT! On my nightly walks I felt like I was walking with boy/girl twins who were just around the corner. It was so easy to picture them, to imagine their future.

Then at the last minute the egg donor needed to delay for nine days. I had already started my estrogen (and already bought my non-refundable plane ticket), but I was told to just stop the estrogen and stay on Lupron and buy another ticket. I was feeling wary, like maybe the donor would back out completely, or maybe she wasn't in the right head space to be donating eggs, but I said OK.

A week later she did back out completely. We were gutted. So much time and energy and hope seemingly wasted.

By coincidence, another egg donor was cycling at the same time, and we were told there was a possibility she could be swapped in as our egg donor (if the two other couples signed up for the profile agreed). The sperm donor's ethnicity bears no relation to ours, but the egg donor shared my husband's ethnicity. With the new egg donor, neither of them shares either of our ethnicities. And I didn't feel nearly the same connection with the egg donor. I felt paralyzed. It wasn't what we signed up for, but it would feel awful to waste even more time and hope and money, and God only knew when we'd get another profile. Should we hang back or move forward? How on earth were we supposed to decide?

My husband seemed fine with it, ready to go forward, so that broke the paralysis in my mind. But it's kind of funny/odd how we ended up here. All the crazy twists and turns this road can take. All the possibilities closed down and new ones opened up. All the branch-point choices that may change everything forever in totally unknown and unpredictable ways.

Good Lord it's exhausting sometimes. I've been living on fumes of hope for so long. And this profile seems totally random, no angels singing, no feeling of "meant to be." (As a writer, I look for those things -- for better or worse.) It just kind of dropped into our laps.

I guess sometimes the universe is more random -- or inscrutable -- than I like to think. I guess I read too much, which causes me to look for meaning and symbolism where there may be none. Or maybe I'm making the completely wrong choice here.

Sigh. I just want this to be over. We just passed our four year anniversary of trying to conceive. I'm so tired.

[Britney]

My If journey is very similar to yours. A couple rounds of IVF over 5 years with no luck until an adopted embryo gave us an amazing little girl who will be 2 next week. At first we wanted to give her a sibling and hoped for that illusive spontaneous pregnancy. Maybe my body would figure out what to do now that I successfully carried a child. But I had a huge fear that if it did happen, I'd miscarry. I've never gotten pregnant on my own and now that I'm 41, I think my risk is pretty high. When I read your post when you lost yours, I was devastated for you. We discussed adopting another embryo from our clinic but I'd have to fly up north to do it. And all the thoughts of getting on that IF roller coaster just seemed too much for me. And being pregnant while chasing my toddler around also feels like it would be too much for me. I had a difficult pregnancy and I feel like my daughter would loose part of her mother for a year if I tried to do a transfer and was put on bed rest again. So for me, I realized that our family was complete. And with that realization came so much relief and peace. We got off the island with the most lovely, happy little girl and I'm so grateful to be her mama. I think she will be fine as an only child. She has her cousins nearby and a lot of love around her. The decision how/if to have another child is a difficult one. I wish you the best with deciding when to do your transfer. You have been such a great support for this community and your posts are so thoughtful and have helped me me work through so much of my feelings on this crazy journey.

[Ruby]

I too am gearing up for an FET in August and this post resonates with me completely. We already have a miracle baby (4 years, 3 rounds of IVF) and she is an utter marvel...I would absolutely love for her to have a sib and feel a pressure (from myself only!) to get a move on and do the FET so that we can potentially try other paths if not. It's interesting because before she was born I basically swore to myself that I'd be overjoyed with one and that it would be the end of the road for me and ART if we were lucky enough to conceive. And yet...here we are, barely out of the sleepless night phase and already emailing our clinic! What I hadn't banked on was wanting another child for HER...rightly or wrongly I just can't shake the feeling that she will be missing out if she is an only child. So I'm getting my head in gear, stepping up the yoga, stepping down the caffeine (ARGH) and taking a deep breath. I think I'm ready for it but you are absolutely right to trust your gut, it's your most reliable guide on these rocky seas. Wishing you so much luck with whatever you decide. X