Don't Count Your Eggs

When Infertility fills every corner of your mind

I just finished reading (listening) to the book What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. It was recommended to me by a friend who thought it would be an easy summer read (listen) and has a secondary story line about infertility that my friend thought I might find interesting. I gave it a listen and thought the IF story line and the feelings portrayed were pretty accurate. I won't spoil anything for anyone interested in taking a look, but there were a few lines that stood out to me and made me think about how truly life/identity changing the infertility experience can be.

The character, Elizabeth, says, "I've lost my ability to chat, too. I listen to people talk about their interesting full lives-- they're training for marathons, they're learning Japanese, they're taking the kids camping and renovating the bathroom. I had a life like that once  too--I was interesting, active and informed. Now my life is three things, work, television, IVF. I no longer have anecdotes. People say, 'what have you been up to Elizabeth?' and I have to stop myself from treating them to a complete medical update... my infertility fills every corner of my mind." 

I remember really feeling like that. Like I didn't have a suitable answer to the question, "how are you?" It was as if I wanted to share everything and nothing at the same time. There were moments of wanting to spare others the boring details of failed fertility treatments and moments where I honestly didn't now what my answer was. How was I? In that moment?  In life? In general? In the grand scheme of things? As my obsession with having a baby took on life of its own, my areas of interest narrowed to just that-- ways to get/make/find/create/have a baby.  Supplements, procedures, dietary changes, magic-- it started to become difficult to related to anyone who didn't have at least some basis of understanding of the quest for parenthood. It was a difficult place to live because prior to IF Island I felt pretty confident I could have a variety of conversations about a variety of different topics and didn't constantly worry about managing my feelings if something triggered me or upset me. It was really hard to live in the world for a lot of the time.

I work with many  people on IF Island and I see a common theme of this, but also a very strategic and adaptive coping tool to counter some of these feelings. And that is to live your life. It's not always easy when your life and goals and expectations have taken a massive nose dive, but the people who end up feeling the most themselves or the most solid are those who actively pursue a life outside of infertility. It's a tricky balance at times to be genuine to oneself while living in the fertile world, but there are few specific things I've seen people do that seem helpful. One is contain the fertility talk as much as possible, or rather designate times when fertility stuff is off the table. That might be a date night, a movie, a comedy club, dinner with friends/people who don't have kids and don't want kids. Fertility and the what-ifs permeate everything-- it's so hard to set boundaries because it's your brain that's stuck trying to make sense of your life. But consciously setting those boundaries can be very helpful in giving your mind a break.  The second is to try something new. A new hobby, a new kind of exercise-- pottery, yoga, adult coloring-- It feels like there are often a lot of limitations to exercise and life in general when on IF Island. Sometimes it feels like the "I can't" overpowers the "maybe I should try..." and that's what sucks about being handcuffed to your ovaries. But there must be some things, some activities that are doctor approved and worth trying. It's also an opportunity to meet new people who have a common interest which can be refreshing. Another thing I wish I was able to do while in the thick of it was remember and pursue the path I was on before I got derailed. The experience of infertility changes many of us-- in a variety of ways. While I was transforming through different identities and trying to figure out how to be in the world as a woman searching for a baby, I often forgot who I was before that search. Taking some time to get back to my roots, my self, my goals and dreams that were not related to having a baby would probably have helped me a bit. It's easier to say in retrospect though, I know that.

Anyway, check out this book if you're looking for an easy summer read with a solid shout-out to IF Island. And please share what helps you personally get some space and connect to who you are at heart. I'd love to hear. I'm also trying to compile a list of resources-- books, apps, websites, professionals, agencies etc. that can be helpful to others so if you've come across something really helpful please share. Thanks!

It's a lot of effort for some people to get P

A little while ago I wrote a post about my friend who is on her...maybe 5th round of IVF, now trying for a second. She's the one who had a successful pregnancy on her very last transfer of a meh embryo and has a beautiful healthy boy and has now been in the process of chasing number two for like, two years. She's the one who knocked herself out when she gave herself the trigger shot and was literally bleeding from the head the night before retrieval. Anyway. I mention her because we spoke today and after multiple IVFs that included things like fainting and head injuries, and doing TESE (sperm retrieval, put simply), and doing PGD testing (she miraculously has more than one good looking embryo, which is a first for her), her doctor now wants to do a mock embryo transfer that includes a uterine biopsy. She called me to see what I thought and my initial reaction was F THAT.  What more can they make her do and why is this necessary? She's done at least a half dozen transfers, why do all the meds just to biopsy and do it all over again? I'm no doctor but that seems insane to me. But she explained that 25% of the time transfers are done even when progesterone levels are not optimal, so this test apparently helps to determine when it's best to transfer. "I don't want to leave any stone unturned," she said over the phone, and I understood. 

There's a delicate balance between advocating for yourself, trusting your gut and your body and listening to the experts/doctors. It's a REALLY hard balance because a lot of this...stuff isn't an exact science. There's magic and instinct and luck and miracles and chaos involved. And a lot of fear. And fear is one of the hardest emotional aspects to combat. Combat is the wrong word. Fear is one of the hardest emotional aspects to deal with and manage. Because we can't just eliminate the fears we have--of doing one thing or not doing it. Of if something will work or it won't. If we should stay with the same doctor or move on... the list is literally endless. I think the key is trying to sit with and decide what you need to do to feel like you've done everything you can to help the outcome and then letting go. Doing everything you can can and does mean very different things to different people, so that part is personal. It isn't about a right or a wrong decision, it's about what is going to make you feel the most ok you can. 

My friend is trying to figure out what to do. Sound familiar? So much time on IF Island is spent trying to "figure out what to do." And it's all so much effort. I've gotten to know so many different people with so many different stories. So many different "journeys" and detours along the path to parenthood. I've gotten to know people with autoimmune issues who have to do SOOO much to get and stay pregnant and people with other issues, like diabetes, who have to manage their blood levels to such an exact science it's almost a full time job. People who are filling out giant packets of adoption paperwork after years of infertility-- I could go on and on. I think I just wanted to send a shout out-- send some love and acknowledgement to everyone out there who is doing so much to grow their family. I say grow rather than create because I think family can be defined in many ways. 

 

The Shy Guy on IF Island

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of temperament and how an individual or a couple processes their unique "journey to parenthood." This concept has come up at various intervals during our time on IF Island because Noah and I are... fundamentally, emotionally VERY different people. But last weekend was Noah's 20 year high school reunion and we went, and I saw in him something I've always known but never fully understood, and that is his shyness.  So how is that relevant?

When I met Noah, 17 plus years ago, I knew she was shy. He was quiet and observant and sweet and to me this all just meant he was playing hard to get. I was, am, not shy. I never have been. And for the longest time I assumed being shy was simply being slow to warm, maybe a little socially anxious, and perhaps more introverted. But that might not be it, or all of it.  To each their own. But what do you get when you take a seriously shy and private guy with a super vocal and expressive gal and quarantine them on IF Island for five years? I supposed you get a deep understanding of each other as you try to balance each other needs and what each person feels is "normal" in how they process.

I thought it was very normal to share. I felt strongly about talking about it, I needed to talk and write and connect to others because that's how I roll. I am my father's daughter 100% (he's very much a sharer) and that's just what felt right me. Noah never really shared feelings. I mean that in a general sense. We joked that I just had all the feelings for the both of us, but really he just needed to figure out what his feelings were and how he wanted to express them. I think that's why it worked for us to document and make a movie about our experience. (We are going to release said movie in the fall...finally!) It allowed me to share-- perhaps overshare at times, and allowed him to participate but also primarily be behind the camera where he could process his feelings through a specific lens, literally and figuratively. I think the documenting process helped us figure out the balance of what we needed to survive and get through our experience. The goal wasn't to help him learn to be less shy and more expressive, though for a long time I thought it was, the goal was and always is to find a way to respect what each of us needs to make sense of our lives and our specific situation so that we can find balance and feel ok. This isn't anything mind blowing but it helps me to remember that every person has a very different emotional landscape and often times very different needs when it comes to making sense of their own emotional experience. It's so important for each of us to try to know ourselves and our styles and how they might be different from our partners. 

Noah isn't the shy teenager he was anymore, but that shy teenager definitely lives inside him. Somehow it worked for him to move towards sharing and now I see how vocal he is about the male experience when it comes to infertility and I think it feels right to him now. And there are times when he wants to keep quiet and be private, and that's fine too. It can be very uncomfortable for someone who is more reserved or shy to share feelings about fertility or lack there of. It's just another way in which two people can grow to deepen their understanding of each other in a relationship, right? Unintended difficult but positive consequences. 

social pressures vs. reality

I'm sitting at the Santa Rosa, CA airport. It's a tiny place and I'm drinking a chocolate milkshake and thinking about life and time and how quickly years go by. I don't mean to sound nostalgic. But maybe I am. A good friend of mine got married this weekend and I flew up North (by myself, leaving Momo alone with Noah for the first time ever), and I officiated her wedding. Yes, per some non-denominational ministry on the internet, I am legit to officiate weddings-- and apparently bless water. My friend has been trying to find her soulmate for a very long time and turns out he was always there, a handsome farmer from her hometown whom she had a crush on 20 years ago while she was still in high school. Their story is sweet and seeing how happy she was yesterday was even sweeter. She's getting married a little later than she probably expected or anticipated and it made me think about time and time lines and how we have these socially constructed (and somewhat biologically constructed) developmental milestones we feel we need to hit. And when we don't hit them we beat ourselves up and often feel pissed. And the reality about life and how life happens is that many people, like children, hit milestones at different times. And I think it's important to both realize that that is ok and understand that if you're needing to push back family planning a bit, it's important to know your choices and know what's going on in your body. So it's on the one hand knowing that the social pressures or cultural norms or whatever you want to call it when people come up to you when you hit 27 or whatever and ask why you aren't married, or come up to you on your wedding day to tell you to start getting on the baby train--are just that, pressures. And they can be somewhat arbitrary. And on the other hand knowing you need to empower yourself and know what your life or family planning options are. I don't think I would have thought about any of these things if I haven't lived on IF Island for a good long while. When your train gets re-routed multiple times, it allows you the... opportunity...to think about things differently. Another unintended positive consequence of the whole thing I suppose.

It's very hard not to succumb to pressure or panic when you somehow feel you're falling behind. It's also hard to try and convince yourself you're ok and right where you're supposed to be. So perhaps it's about acceptance of where you and acknowledging the feelings and assessing the options and working towards moving forward in your life in the most graceful way you possibly can. This is not just about infertility but perhaps about anytime life throws you a curveball.   All we can do is try our hardest to stay grounded and thoughtful and present and make the best decisions we can in any given moment. 

Wishing everyone a very happy fourth!