Don't You Want to Have Your Own Child?

I hear this term a lot, your "own," child, and while I know what people mean when they say it, I wanted to spend a little time here...clarifying a few things. 

Maybe I should start with the disclaimer that people don't say this to me. Not now at least. I have been asked, before Momo was a person, if I was sad that I wasn't having my "own" child, and the question just confused me. If this is not my child whose child is it? In my head/heart/body/spirit I was P with my baby. We were meant to find each other, we had help from kind strangers and special doctors but there was no doubt that she was my child. My very own baby girl.

But what people mean by this is are you sad you don't have a genetic child, and my answer is absolutely not. That's my personal answer. Momo is very clearly an upgrade from our genetics.  But let's explore the meaning and feeling behind the word "own", shall we?

So I think the last time I heard this was a few days ago when someone was talking to me about how her family was worried how she would feel pursing donor eggs and not having her "own" child. I asked her whose child would it be? Who would be the parent on the birth certificate? Who would be changing diapers and wiping tears at 2am? Then I asked her if she was sad she wasn't going to have a child who wasn't genetically related to her and her answer was yes. Very much so. And that is totally fair. 

Being sad and grieving the loss of one's genetics and having your own child can be two different things. Genetics isn't the only thing that connect a child to a parent. It is one thing that does-- but honestly if your kid got lost at a mall somewhere, the thing that would probably help you find each other would be the help of strangers and your last names, or the sounds of two people (one little one big) screaming through the mall. So much of the process of moving through the sadness of the genetic loss is working to reframe specific ideas of family. 

There is a shift that can happen-- sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, when a person moves to donor conception. You have to first wrap your head about what it means, what the chances of it working are, how much it is going to cost, and back to what it means. Most people who venture down a donor path never expected or intended to be there, so there is a lot of mental and emotional shifting that has to take place. But when a person can sit with what it means to them, grieve appropriately, then think of different ways to conceptualize having a chid with the help of a donor, then they can be proud of their choice and move towards their new reality (hopefully), which is that they are going to have their own kid.  

So if people ask, usually it's because they are just curious and don't realize some questions can really trigger a gal on IF Island. If you can gently correct them, then more people will start to get it. "I do want my own child, and I'm excited at the possibility of that child coming to me with the help of a donor!" 

Does anyone have experience with this kind of question? Would love to hear thoughts. 

Comments

[north]

I really resonate with the mamas who have posted here. Maya, I have followed your blog for the past couple years. Have only posted once before since I have my hands full with my 21 month old son (!) conceived via donor egg and donor sperm.
I think that some people imagine that their connection to their children is because they share genetics when I suspect it's more likely to be the attachment they have to the child. During my OE/DH's sperm cycles, I was terrified of the notion of the children I would not have that I thought were mine (i.e. conceived of my own genetics). I feel silly now in some ways when I think of that, given how 'right' our son is for us. No other way to explain it. He just fits with us perfectly. He is so deeply 'ours' because our hearts are deeply bonded with him.
We had to change and expand our vision of "how it was going to happen" and the mental and emotional process of doing so expanded our reality, our hearts and our minds. There's something magical when what you thought you wanted or were going to "get" in your life doesn't quite work out because you have to transform or expand in some way.
Our son is so special to us because we stopped trying to do the hard thing that wasn't working and committed ourselves to doing what was less anxiety provoking, more caring of ourselves and most likely to work. We got out of the unhealthy compulsion to keep going with our own genetics and experienced the largest, most unexpected, tiny gift in our lives. Our son.

[Springtime10]

There is still so much work to do on educating people with what terminology to use. Our baby ended up being a donor egg and carried by a gestational carrier (and yes that's different than a surrogate). The GC is currently pumping milk for us. At the last pediatrician visit, the pediatrician asked how much longer the "mother" was going to be pumping milk. I didn't think fast enough to correct him - these comments tend to catch one off guard because the terminology is so clear to us that we forget the rest of society isn't familiar with these 3rd party reproduction terms.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you guy so much for sharing!
Karen-- yeah, exactly. I have come across several people with the same story. I almost was that same story when I got P naturally in the beginning of the year and never once did I feel that potential baby was more mine. Momo was all I really thought about. Pamela! Glad to hear from you and yay you're coming along! But also, an OB said that??!!! Noah and I are determined to use the film as an educational tool and sounds like we need to start right there! I still get asked about the "mother or father" or "Real mother or father"... duh. I just correct (and sigh).
JoJo!!! HIIII!!! I don't think I ever congratulated you on the baby! But how amazing and exciting and I'm so glad the lil one is finally here and that you're in love.
Thinking of everyone!
M

[Jojo]

We pursued donor eggs for our second child (first was own egg IVF) and I can assure you this baby is all mine. All ours. I really cannot imagine feeling any more connected to a baby than I do with her. Any comments or questions of the alternative actually don't register because it all just feels so..right. I think perhaps one analogy is if you told everyone at age 3 you wanted to grow up to be Elmo then fast forward 30 years and you are a veterinarian or doctor or something that fulfills you and someone says 'oh dear, are you said you didn't grow up to be Elmo?'. That is either a great analogy or a terrible one. Either way-- the point is a new reality brings a new 'right' baby❤️

[Pamela O]

My OB actually asked me about the age of "the mother." He meant the egg donor. I just told him her age; I didn't think fast enough to say, "I'm 37, and the egg provider is 31." I also knew he didn't mean anything by it. It's just the way he's used to thinking of things. But it did sting a bit for about half a second.

As far as I know, my husband and I have a chance to get pregnant "naturally" after we have our donor embryo boy. Probably not a huge chance, but a chance. (I'll be 39 when we're trying again, and we're unexplained.) Does that thought thrill me? Mainly in the sense that it'll be free! Otherwise I totally agree that our first child is getting a genetic upgrade. It's fated that the second doesn't get the more exciting adventurous backstory (or the price tag that goes with it), we'll accept it. If not, we're delighted that we know what can work for us!

And yeah -- this baby in my belly is our own baby. As you said -- who else's? Who else wanted this baby, dreamed of this baby, went through hell to get this baby, is carrying this baby, and will raise this baby? Just us... with a little help from anonymous friends.

[Karen Bee]

After years of IVF, and then moving on to donor eggs we added a beautiful baby girl to our family. We had a FET with her sibling at the beginning of the year, and it did not join our family. Fast forward two month and low and behold I was P naturally.

A family member casually asked that same question. Aren't you happy to have your own child? I looked at him and said, what do you mean I already have my own child. He was not saying it with malice or negativity. He loves my child and will love this one too, sometimes I think things are harder to understand when you are not in it maybe.

I had no idea what IVF was until I went through it many times, and nor did I even know egg donation was a thing. And I am sure sometimes people say things and as it comes out they wish they hadn't.