About two weeks ago I got a special package in the mail:
We started meds...we? Me. Me stared meds. He shoots me. It feels much less intense this time around because we are distracted and trying to do a fast progesterone shot while Momo eats a bowl of cereal, so we've lost a lot of the ritual and drama. Maybe that's a good thing. It's been about four years now since I did all of this. The calendar. The monitoring appointments. The drive to the clinic out here and dripping sweaty armpits when I park the car-- it's amazing how the body holds on to sense memory. Parking spot = armpit sweat. I was always nervous when I'd go to the RE. The last few times it's been like visiting an old friend. My doctor looked tired on Friday when I went in. We hugged and I asked him why he looks so tired. He told me about his kids soccer tournaments and his busy schedule and then he checked out my uterus. All looked good. We are a go for Seattle. Remember Momo is from Seattle. There were two embryos in her donated batch and we are going back for the second one. The Seattle clinic has been amazing and I'm actually excited to see our doctor there and revisit the place where Momo hung out for four plus cold years.
It's been interesting to notice where my brain goes when I think about this transfer. For the most part I feel pretty relaxed and at peace with whatever happens, but when I think about the fact this is essentially our last shot, our only chance at a full genetic sibling for Momo, and quite possibly the last time we engage in assisted baby making, my brain suddenly goes: Oh shit. Why haven't I worked out more? I was in such better shape for Momo, do I not care as much? Why is it so hard to stop drinking coffee, I'm so selfish. What if the embryo doesn't thaw? What are the odds all three embryos that were created are going to be good and result in babies? I eat too much dairy. I should have stopped eating so much dairy. Why does it matter if I eat dairy? I hate myself. I love dairy. Estrogen shots and pills = narcolepsy. I'm so tired. There's no way this is going to work if I'm so tired. Fuck it. People on crack get pregnant, so I'm out of shape and eat too much string cheese. I haven't done yoga in a long time. I should have done more yoga...
You see where I'm going right? In chaos circles where my faulty logic has decided if it doesn't work it is some how my fault for not doing yoga and eating string cheese, but if it does work then it's because it's a good embryo. I could have done more perhaps, but some times you just have to pull the trigger. It's time. We've been trying for a while to get this boat sailing and the fact that we feel emotionally ready is going to have to carry us. Whatever happens happens. I've decided to let the insanity run one last lap through my mind and then I put my foot down. I'm doing the best I can and what that looks like at this stage of my life is a little different than what it looked liked four years ago. I know the odds of this working, I know the chance it won't thaw etc etc and I'm not going to think about it because what's the point. I always ask myself how does what I'm doing or thinking serve me? In my mind, we're going to get our other baby. He or she has been waiting a long time and my assumption is it's going to work and if it doesn't we will deal with that on the back end. For now we have to pack. I need to be shot in the butt...like right now...and I have to have one last delicious cup of coffee because come Friday we're done with caffeine because baby #2 goes in at 2:30pm. I'll get knocked up by a sweet lady in a white coat the way I always dreamed, and all will be awesome.
Cross your fingers for us!
I've been on this journey for some time, but am just beginning my first IVF cycle. Your film made me laugh, cry, gave me hope...and helped me feel so much less alone. Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do for this community! Also, I have had similar running conversations with myself about what I should be doing "better"...and I may have actually yelled out "but crackheads get pregnant all the time" on more than one occasion ;)
Posted by: Maggie | May 14, 2018 at 12:04 PM
Thanks for all the well wishes everyone!! I'll try to answer the questions here:
-- Yes the movie is called One More Shot and it's on Netflix, here's a link, I think https://www.netflix.com/search?q=one%20more%20shot
-- The third embryo was used by the donating couple. Three embryos were created when an infertile couple used an egg donor to build their family. They used one embryo and boy was born to them. They donated the other two. One is Momo, the other is currently in my belly noshing on cheese puffs, almond cookies, and an orange. I hope he/she doesn't have second thoughts.
--Pamela, F YEAH sister. It's been a long ride. Thank you for updating me/us. Wishing you all the luck and love in the world.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERYONE!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | March 06, 2018 at 08:46 PM
I can't seem to find your movie on Netflix. Do you know if it's still available
?
Posted by: Kellie | March 06, 2018 at 10:28 AM
I can totally relate to your thought process...lol. Im also excellent at blaming myself and where it worked [in my case for a few weeks] I credited other things external to me- only to blame myself again when it was lost. Can I ask where is the third embryo you mentioned ?
Posted by: Dee | March 05, 2018 at 08:12 PM
We’re back in it too and this is exactly my thought process. Sending good vibes!
Posted by: Sara | March 01, 2018 at 10:17 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your baby journey. I have watched it twice now since it's been out--it gives me so much hope. The best part was when you realized there was a faint line on the pregnancy test. I totally understand and relate to your thought process about preparing your body, eating too much of this and that and not doing this or that right, just beating yourself up when, yes, even crack heads get pregnant. I am 41 and began trying to conceive on my own two and a half years ago. It's been so hard!!! But, I don't regret any of it. I don't know if I have truly given up just yet but stories like yours (and those shared by others TTC in your film) give me so much hope and resilience.
Posted by: Jennifer | March 01, 2018 at 11:29 AM
Maya Querida! We are thinking about you from Chile! Thanks so very much for all you have done for so many of us! I really hope all goes well! Fingers crossed!
Posted by: Belén | March 01, 2018 at 06:43 AM
This is so good - you are so strong, and funny! I’m praying this works!
Posted by: C | February 28, 2018 at 11:45 AM
I've also enjoyed your posts, and have read all of them! I am, and always have been, very proud of you. You have a wonderful determination to get what you need to get done, and if it sometimes means missing yoga or an extra cup of coffee, so be it. That "One More Shot" not only got made, and had a glorious ending, but also got picked up and is available to a worldwide audience is credit to you guys as storytellers and filmmakers. And that you're going back this week to make the effort to give Momo a sibling is another example of how you have been teaching her to share. She is a remarkable addition to the family, and our fingers are crossed that this trip to Seattle results in another addition. But whatever happens, know how much you are loved by friends and family, and how grateful so many of us are for how you've enlightened our understanding of what is an enormously difficult and challenging process. DAD
Posted by: Dad | February 28, 2018 at 11:10 AM
I just wanted to say that your blog lit the path toward donor embryos for my husband and me (after 3 failed IVFs), and I'm currently 36 weeks with a boy. So happy and so grateful for all of it, everything that led us here.
On Facebook the other day, I encountered another woman considering donor embryos who said your film pointed her in that direction.
So, no matter what else is true, what you've done is so valuable to so many people (and so many babies who otherwise might not exist). Thank you. I'm sending every bit of luck your way for Momo's genetic sibling to snuggle in for nine healthy and happy months!
Posted by: Pamela O | February 27, 2018 at 01:39 PM
Yeah! Will be thinking good thoughts for you! I remember blotting my armpits every time walking up the stairs to our clinic! So excited for you as a big part of me wants to go back for FET 2, I am about to turn 43 and we are still paying off baby making debt.. probably not in the cards. Of course, so thrilled to have one. Good luck! Love the film by the way.
Posted by: Betsey | February 27, 2018 at 12:54 PM
I watched your documentary this weekend after my 2nd frozen embryo transfer while on bedrest (1st attempt was failed from over 1 year ago, sprinkled with a 2nd miscarriage in between, and I have an almost 8 year old daughter naturally conceived). It was heartbreaking watching your journey but wonderful knowing you have your beautiful daughter now, and eye opening all the other stories of other couples. I've been on this seemingly never-ending journey to conceive and truly am so grateful that you and Noah have shared your process so openly. I decided to google "one more shot" today and it led me here to our blog. Funny coincidence to see you are embarking on your next FET as well. I wish you all the best of luck!
Posted by: Dorothy | February 27, 2018 at 12:16 PM
Fingers are crossed! Please keep us posted.I am beginning my own journey into ART and I have been enjoying your posts and finding them very relatable.
Posted by: Lindsay Comeau | February 27, 2018 at 10:54 AM