Taking down the baby gates

Today is Momo's third birthday. As I was getting supplies out to bake muffins for her birthday celebration at preschool, I watched Noah attempt to put socks on her while she attempted to do a backflip. I smiled as he said his infamous and extremely ineffective mantra, "I need you to listen, please."

This past week has been a transition week for us. We are transitioning from being hopeful and excited about the embryo transfer of her full genetic potential sibling, to being happy and satisfied with Momo being an only child. We are doing a good job with it, if I do say so myself. It's been a mix of crying it out, feeling sad, then being really present with her and grateful that she's here. There have been moments of purging the baby stuff-- clothes and toys and changing tables, and thinking about planning a big trip for our ten year anniversary this summer, since we just "saved" $250,000 (the average cost of a kid until 18 these days), right?!! It's kind of up and down but starting to emotionally stabilize. What's important for me is that I'm aware of where I'm at and I just let it ride for a bit. Shifting gears and bridging the gap between expectation and reality is a process. 

I notice moments where I worry about Momo having to take care of us when we are old, and I worry about her having to do that alone. Then I think about how so many people have no relationship with their sibling or don't like their sibling and I remind myself she will never be alone. I notice moments where I am ready to pack up and give away all the baby stuff, so I throw it into a trash bag, then find myself digging out a few cute outfits that I'm not ready to let go of. And that's ok. While I am letting go of ever having a baby again, I also know as long as I'm not in menopause, we never know what might happen. I'm not going to actively try because I think it will be too crazy making for me, but I am going to be open to the possibilities. So I'll save a few things and go through this process in steps. I also notice moments where I'm slightly triggered again, like when I pick her up from school and the ergo-carrying brigade of parents with new babies come bouncing into school. They ooh and ahhh and talk about how everyone is doing as a big brother or sister, and it's a reminder that sometimes it's just hard to be an infertile gal in a fertile world. But then Momo comes rushing out of the gate, her eyes darting around for me. When we lock eyes her body visibly relaxes and her smile lights up my heart. It soothes the feeling of wanting I might have for anothe,r and blocks any feelings of jealousy that I don't get to have the same family building choices many other people get.

So I'm going to go bake now and Noah is going to go pick up her big girl bike. We took down the baby gates in the house and there was a definitive feeling of openness that suddenly took shape. Something about that felt good. We don't have a baby anymore. We have a threenager who smiles a sneaky little smile and looks away when her father tells her she needs to listen. And the sun will continue to rise and set out of her ass and we will keep being grateful to be her parents. 

Comments

[K]

Thank you so much for this post. I am in the same boat as you. Low ovarian reserve. One gorgeous two-year old daughter conceived through IVF. Then a spontaneous chemical pregnancy after never getting pregnant in almost two years of trying. Back to the fertility clinic, where we found out that my c-section didn't heal correctly, had to have surgery to repair that and wait to try again. Tried a cycle of IVF to freeze eggs while we waited for uterus to heal. That failed--low ovarian reserve is rough! I am so grateful to have my daughter and also sad, that, as you say, we don't seem to have the options that many people have for building our family. But there do seem to be many silver linings to having an only child. A fabulous trip sounds wonderful and well-deserved!

[Sara]

I’m also in recovery from a failed FET of our last embryo. I cried for two hours then returned to soaking up the little miracle who somehow held on and blessed our life when all the others couldn’t. There’s a Daniel Tiger song about feeling two feelings at once. I think sadness and joy go together in this circumstance. Sending peace.

[Anupama V . Deshpande]

Such a beautiful family and a beautiful story. God Bless!

My husband and I married very young (ages 23 and 19), and
our plan was to wait until after I finish college degree
before we’d try for a baby. One year later, Sameer was
diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and we decided not to
wait because we read that sclerosis, could affect men’s
fertility. The irony that I was ultimately the one who had
fertility issues was not missed on either of us.

I, Anupama - Not being able to get pregnant within the first
6 months was frustrating, but not alarming. I knew that most
couples conceive within the 1st year of trying. When the one
year mark came and went, I was concerned, but didn’t take
any concrete steps toward getting answers with the help of a
doctor. I was just barely 20, after all, and I was young and
healthy. I was having periods on time, that means I’m
ovulating, and eventually everything will align properly and
I will get pregnant, right?

Another year came and went, and during that time, it seemed
like pregnancy blossomed everywhere except within me. I
started working as a intern in a hospital.People around me
started having babies. How was it that they could get
pregnant when I couldn’t? My infertility shook my faith. I
was crumbling and felt very isolated within my inability to
conceive.

I did seek help from a infertility specialist and it turned
out, I had not been ovulating after all and i had fibroid
issues too. Finally after a lot of internet research and
meeting tons of infertility specialists in India - At Bloom
IVF Mumbai ( www.bloomivf.com) I signed up for IVF
Treatment. I got pregnant with twins on December 18th.

On the grand spectrum of infertility, our problem was solved
relatively easily. We didn’t have to go through failed
IVF's. After 5 years, I decided to be a gestational carrier
to help another infertile couple who did need to use such
extreme measures to have a baby. Being a surrogate was my
way of “paying it forward,” so to speak.

Now our 2 children , age 6, and our family is complete. I’ve
also helped build another family by carrying a baby for an
infertile couple. Now, I continue to advocate for
infertility awareness and the benefits of third-party
reproduction (IVF , ICSI , surrogacy, egg and sperm
donation, etc.).

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and your support. I'm feeling good and embracing both what is in the present and what might be unknown in the future. Without being attached to anything. It's kind of freeing to practice this new way of being. I appreciate all the love and the ability of this community to get me. Sending love right back at everyone. M

[Heather]

Thank you for sharing your emotional journey. So much of this resonates with me. I had four failed embryo transfer attempts - three resulted in pregnancy, but all ended up as a miscarriage. We are now mid-way through our home study for domestic adoption. All the while, I think (sometimes, but not as often as before, OBSESS) about the miracle stories everyone loves to tell me about: conceiving naturally once they or someone they knew started adoption. It gives me hope, but also reignites grief and pain at the same time. I also vacillate about whether or not to try donor eggs while we are in the adoption pool, because my fears that it will take too long are strong. I’m now 43, my husband 53. The moments of grace - where I feel grateful for my life as it is - feels like relief during such a tumultuous time of our lives.

[Lindsay]

As the parent of a now threenager, get ready! They are SO much more stubbornly independent at three. But also so much more vocal, and imaginative, and their own little person.

I know it's always easier to blog about feelings than it is to actually be feeling those feelings, but I am so impressed with your attitude toward the outcome of the most recent chapter in your life and your resolve in focusing on what you DO have. As the parent of a miracle IVF child who seriously has struggled over the last year with miscarrying my last two frozen embryos, I am diagnosing myself with PTSD. Case in point, I went into my regular OB's office for an annual visit last Friday filled with anxiety (due to what had happened the last time I was there) and when she asked me how I was doing I literally burst into tears. I am beyond torn with trying to figure out what to do next; as my RE has recommended IVF with PGS testing if I want to go there but I simply don't' know if my mind, body and heart can handle another go-round.

At any rate, your post today makes a great case for just thanking God for what I DO have, and keeping my heart open to anything that could happen down the road.

Also - to Jojo - thank you for posting your experience. You are so right that we might unconsciously be seeking out what we view as the ideal even though it doesn't make things perfect like waving a magic wand. There's still a large part of me that is longing desperately for another baby. And there's another - once small but now growing part of me - that says I'm just tired, and that I'm ready to have my body and life back and just be grateful for the amazing gift I already have.

Thanks for your amazing perspective, Maya, as always.

[M]

Happy birthday, Momo!!!

[Pamela O]

You have such a beautiful family and a beautiful story. I wanted to share a small story in case it will resonate at all: My brother's wife had a small child when they married, and my brother took that boy as his own son. Then they tried for ten years to conceive and finally had IVF twins.

Question: How thrilled do you think their first son was to have crying, needy twins in the house? Poor kid, he was unabashed in how much he missed being an only child, doted on by grandparents who thought the sun rose and fell with him, with his parents' undivided attention. I'm sure there are good things about having siblings, but there are plenty of good things about not having siblings, too.

Your daughter will grow up loved and secure, and she'll find her tribe. In adulthood, I spend the vast majority of my time with people who are not related to me, other than my own chosen new immediate family -- and neither my husband nor my donor embryo son is technically related to me, either, haha. And saving that quarter of a million bucks means more time and resources for your wonderful family as it is. Quality can sometimes be more beneficial than quantity.

You never know what will happen, but it's good you are so well able to appreciate what you have. Lotsa love.

[LianneO]

My heart is breaking reading your post because I have been following your journey. I don't want to give false hope, but almost every couple around me who has done IVF has conceived naturally after conceiving through IVF. My sister in law was told she had less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally after trying to conceive for 7 years before having their daughter through IVF. Then she got pregnant naturally with my nephew. My friend from law school had twins through IVF, then conceived twins naturally. Surprise! My husband's cousin had 2 boys naturally after having twins through IVF. It's not only possible..I think pumping your body with those hormones changes things, for sure! I'm going to keep following your post and I wish you the best of luck!

[Jojo]

Not sure if this will help or be a mild trigger but I feel like I must share and I hope it comes across as I hope. For almost three years we did IVF cycle after IVF cycle to try to give our miracle IVF son a sibling. Everywhere I went I would see Moms with a toddler and either a belly or a baby and I would die a little inside with jealousy. Finally- thanks to donor eggs we had a miracle second baby. I love her with every fiber of my being and thank the universe for her twenty times a day. But you know what it didn’t do? It didn’t make my son any happier. It actually didn’t make our family ‘finally complete’. It made me realize retroactively that our family of 3 was just as amazing and fulfilling. It was just me that was dead set on this image of what our family ‘should be’ so I could finally blend into the fertile world. I wish I would have realized this sooner. Being a Mom whether it is to one miracle or two or five is still being a Mom. It is the big and seemingly insurmountable hurdle that once attained is forever life changing. I am so glad you are able to realize this with Momo. Sending you all my love.

[C]

Another moving post. I shared so many of your thoughts and feelings recovering from a failed IVF with a preschooler to love, thank God. Life is long, you don't know what the future holds or what you will do down the road, but for now you are grateful for the family you are.