The End of the Line

It's with a very heavy heart that I write this but it looks like my journey is officially over. Beta went down to 8.

And I knew it yesterday. I tested my pee and saw just one line and felt the light go out. And immediately I felt like I had failed. That I failed Momo in bringing her sibling to life. That I failed my family in some way. That I failed the doctor in Seattle who is literally the nicest person on earth. That I failed Noah, again. And I knew that I just needed to go through my process for a hot minute before I could think more rationally. The brain tries so hard to make sense of things and when something doesn't go the way we think or hope, we try to force an answer. What did I do wrong? Then sometimes we move to regrets-- why didn't I wait to transfer until I was less tired? Why didn't Noah and I try naturally for the last few years? Why did I just assume this embryo was a sure thing and meant to be, or whatever I thought? How else can I kick myself? I'm not sure why so many of us go to this place but I know a lot of us do. And then we need to be brought back to the truth. 

The truth is I did the best I could and can never be accused of not trying with all my heart. The truth is none of the stuff that happens on IF Island is about deserving or logic or fairness. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. Sometimes PGD tested embryos don't take and sometimes fragmented grade F embryos turn into healthy babies. The science is amazing but it's far from perfect and all each one of us can do is the best we can and do everything that feels right to us in a given moment. One of the hardest things for me is that this last shot felt so right. I'm almost shocked. As I sat in my RE's office sobbing (he was out of town but the nurses are great and we had a nice little pow wow), I thought about how I've shed more tears in his office than I did in my college dorm freshman year. I thought about the last 8 years of my life and how much energy has been spent trying to will babies into the world and mend a shattered heart. I thought about how tired I am of longing. 

I always felt that whatever happened this would be it. But last night I found myself thinking about whether we would get an egg donor or how we can try naturally without going through the mindfuck that is ovulation test strips and period despair. The crappy thing about getting pregnant naturally last year, even though it was short-lived, is now there's voice in my head telling me that maybe it's possible again. And Noah looked at me and just said no. He's done chasing hope. And I am too. We've chased for so long it's time for us to just be. To be fully present in the family we are lucky enough to have and not distracted by what could have been or should have been. 

And this week will be about revising the idea of what I thought our family would look like. It will be taking the space to feel all the feelings and then come back to what I have. A healthy beautiful daughter who told me this morning she was going to poop on my head. 

We never know what the next day might bring and we never know how things will turn out. Sometimes I believe things are meant to be but most of the time I believe that much of life is out of our control and we have to do our best with what we are given and then try to make sense of things as they happen. And when things don't make sense we can shift focus to something that does. The love I feel for Momo is so pure and if it's the only thing that makes sense to me in this moment then so be it. 

I thank everyone so much for all the love and support over the years. I'm so proud that through our film Noah and I can be somewhat of a voice for millions of people who often live these painful moments alone and in silence. I hope we can be a part of a cultural shift about infertilty where there isn't so much shame. 

Sending so much love as always. 

M&N&M

 

 

Comments

[Jenn]

Just wanted to let you know that you are very inspiring. My husband and I have tried to get pregnant for over 5 years. I had so many friends around me bragging about how excited they are for their child and what their gunna name them, showing off maternity wear, etc… I sit back and smile at them trying to show them I am very happy for them, which I truly was, but deep inside I was so depressed for so many years. I would go home and cry myself to sleep. I would even hide from my husband in the bathroom because I never wanted anyone to know what I was feeling. Then after doing research every day for hours and hours, I finally found a natural way to get pregnant. I didnt believe it at first, but I had nothing else to loose, so I thought what the heck. I read this material which you can find at http://bit.ly/2IKAC0wgetpregnantnow , followed the exact steps, and 3 months later, boom! I was suddenly weak, nauseated, and always tired and couldnt figure out why. Randomly, I decided to take a pregnancy test, and once the results came in I couldnt believe it. I checked it over and over again, and sure enough I was pregnant! I prayed and prayed about it, and it finally happened. God makes things happen when it is meant to happen at the right time. Keep the faith. God bless.

[Sophia]

Sending love light and upliftment to you.

[IAS WELLNESS CENTRE]

wawooh feeling touched, great one

[Jenny]

My heart breaks for you. Sending love, peace and healing your way. We’re in a similar spot- one embryo left and so grateful for our daughter. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. Your blog and your movie are a gift to those of us in the fertility trenches.

[RJ]

I am so sorry to hear this. I am sending you and your beautiful family a lot of love.

[Natalie M]

I am so sorry. A failed cycle is always so heartbreaking- just the injustice of it is the worst. I watched your film the day I found out my last cycle had failed and it was the only thing that made me feel slightly less alone. I am so grateful to you for sharing your story and whatever your future holds, you will be an amazing mummy to your gorgeous daughter and an amazing wife! Wishing you all the strength and happiness, Natalie (London).

[C]

Maya, im writing from ireland and am about to start the egg donation journery. i have been on if island,as you call it, for the past 3 years with 3 failed ivf cycles. I have recently discovered your blog and have been checking every day for updates. I cannot imagine how awful you both must feel. The best and the worst thing about being a human on if island is hope. Hope can help us deal with the worst of times but also niggle at us when we are trying to let go. I admire your courage and bravery not only for living through your journey and for documenting it to share with the world but most of all for accepting whats ment to be.
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey with us. Your story has featured hugely in helping me come to terms with using donor eggs. I hope that one day I have a little one to love just as much as you love precious Momo.

xxx

[Melissa]

Maya, I am so very sorry to read this. I have been reading your blog for years now. Your voice was a comfort to me while during my IF journey. Reading your words and watching your film, I felt like I wasn’t alone in this. We have been lucky to be blessed with a wonderful child as well, and for us, we are also done. It has taken me a long time to wrap my head around having a single child. Some days I still struggle with the thought of what could have been, or should have been. But as I lie here next to my sleeping toddler, I know no matter what, he will be loved and we will be okay. I wanted to thank you and Noah for being so open and honest about your journey, and to let you know, you are not alone. x

[Lisa]

OH no.... I am so sorry to hear this. Much love to you all.

[jessica]

maya, i am so so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find peace in your heart and mind soon. youre an amazing mother and i look up to you so much. all my love
jeasica

[María Belén]

Maya I am so very sorry, I too had so much hope for this little embryo. I know there is no answer for why some of us have to go through so much difficulty to create the family we wish. I am sending you much love and hoping that you can go through all the emotions you need to so you can feel better soon.

[Meg]

Maya, I am so so sorry. I don't have good words for this at all, but I love that picture of you and Momo and love that you posted it. What a happy, lucky girl.
Thanks for sharing all of this and making us feel less alone.

[Em]

Dear Maya,

I am truly very sorry that things did not work out. It is so hard when we don't get what we want most.
But you did so many amazing things during this journey. You and Noah have been such an inspiration to so many others who chose to be silent because they did not know how to talk about infertility and all its pain.
Thank you for having the courage to be so frank about these travails, to add humor and warmth to this process, which should be known by two words: scienti-fuck, when it does not work, and miracle, when it does.
You are brilliant and funny and such a force of life. You are loved. You have a child--this miracle child. You have an amazing family. You have a wonderful life.
May you have a long and beautiful life with your family.

Please publish your book. It will be a best seller. You've already given so much courage, hope, inspiration to move on to so many of us--the silent ones, those who chose not to talk because they don't know how, those who read your words and identified with your journey.

[Deb]

I don't know what to say. That's very sad news and I'm extremely sorry that you guys have to deal with it.

Talk about magical thinking: I just assumed that things would work out because of the similar Beta numbers as your success and because today's my birthday, so I was just popping over for a little present to myself, expecting a little dose of 'all, or at least some, is right in the universe'.

But you and Momo are beautiful, and so clearly a family.

Big hugs and lots of love from this internet friend who has rooted for you since before Momo's time!

[Michelle]

Oh, Maya. I am so sorry. I was rooting for you and this little embryo. Your words are so apt - tired of chasing hope. I feel that. I am going for my 3rd donated embryo transfer after 2 failed ones. This will be the end for us so I am hoping this next round works because, I, too, am tired of chasing hope. Who knows how you'll feel tomorrow or next week or next year. I hope you'll keep us posted as your words are healing. Thank you.

[Jen]

Maya, I am so sorry to hear your news. I know you will hold Momo that little bit tighter tonight as I have done with my little girl. You, Noah and Momo will figure this out, you will be ok. One day Momo will be old enough to understand this shitty, crazy journey that you have been on for the last 8 years. She will know that she is so so loved. She will also know that her mummy and daddy have shown never-ending perseverence, courage and a whole heap of resilience. She will see what an inspiration you have been to so many people around the world. What amazing parents you are to an amazing little girl.

[Jordin]

I'm so incredibly sorry. My heart is breaking for you. But if you've proven anything through this journey it's that you are one. insanely. strong. woman. You've given us all a voice. And for that we'll never be able to thank you enough. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you today and in the days ahead. Hugs from South Dakota.

[Pamela O]

My heart is heavy for you as well. It did seem so "meant to be." But I should have learned by now that "meant to be" just doesn't mean much, especially with it comes to IF. The only thing "meant to be" is what happens. And there's no way to predict that. You just have to live through it and see.

I'm so sorry this didn't go the way we all hoped. Your instinct to "just be" for a while is a good one. Reconnect with the many things you are grateful for (and feel all the feelings and let them pass through you and leave you reasonably clean on the other side). You have been so strong through all of this, for so many years, but I know well how tiring it is having to be strong for so long.

After our last OE cycle failed, we couldn't bear to touch the subject for a while. We knew there were other options, and since we didn't have any kids yet, we knew we would pursue them. But some shameless wallowing followed by some productive self-care helped us get to a head space where we were ready to figure out how to move forward, and do it.

Sending as much light as I can.

[TN]

So sorry to read this Maya. I checked in everyday with fingers crossed these last days. You are such an inspiration for me and im sure so many others who have struggled with infertility, treatments, hopelessness and chasing hope. Reading your blog allways made me feeling less lonely and shameful after years on if-island.
Like you i now have a one-child family, trying to come to terms with what a family can be, be present with the gift and miracle that was granted me once and accepting that i really dont have the control of what will be.
Today im sending you love from Norway hoping you will continue to give voice and meaning to the confusing and painful journey of infertility.

[Lindsay]

Oh, Maya. I feel your pain so, so acutely. I know all about the guilt with not being able to have a second baby, the longing, the 'what ifs'. I was nodding my head throughout your entire post. Thank God for Momo, right? Just hold her close and don't allow anger and negativity take over, because it's so easy to fall down that rabbit hole. Last year, I suffered two miscarriages of my last two frozen embryos. My husband held me close, looked at me and said "we'll be ok. we'll figure it out." And we will. And YOU will. Take a step back and just be for awhile, OK? Maybe you decide to ultimately add to your family down the road, and maybe you'll wake up one day and look at your family of 3 and say "you know what? this is perfect." Only time will tell.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us, for your raw emotional truth and for giving a voice to all of us. I haven't yet been able to watch your movie because I haven't had the inner strength - I know it'll be a cry-fest - but I'll do it soon. Remember - your story has the happiest of endings. You and your daughter are beautiful. Wishing you peace, love and light.

[S]

So sorry to hear this, it’s truly devastating news. Wishing you peace and acceptance.

Sending love from Brooklyn,

[C]

Your news has brought tears to my eyes. What you wrote is so good. "The truth is none of the stuff that happens on IF Island is about deserving or logic or fairness. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. Sometimes PGD tested embryos don't take and sometimes fragmented grade F embryos turn into healthy babies. The science is amazing but it's far from perfect..." True indeed.

We lived five years with secondary infertility. After IVF failures it helped to go away just the three of us for a couple of days, anywhere, we booked a couple of last minute trips that way with priceline. Once we booked an incredible vacation in Vieques after an IVF failure and it is still one of my favorite family memories. Like you said, "it's time for us to just be. To be fully present in the family we are lucky enough to have..."

I hear you when you say you are tired of longing. And of working so hard for something. So tired. Embrace your family as it is now, go wholeheartedly with being a one child family if you want and if it helps you heal. I did for extended time periods after each IVF failure, thinking we wouldn't try IVF again and I was going to accept our family as it was. There are lots of books and resources for one child families. I started a one child mom support group for about a year and it was great. (Almost all the moms had fertility issues but it was focused on the issues - and advantages! - about only children, not infertility.) In the end that longing for another didn't dissipate for me and that's when we chose embryo donation and gave birth to our son seven years after our daughter was born, our son whose embryo was possibly created the very same day our daughter was conceived. I hope one day you can feel as happy with how your family turned out as we do. For now you are grieving and I'm so sorry

[Lisa P]

This breaks my heart. I have been with you on your journey (and ours) since Fall 2014. Please know you have brought so much clarity and a sense of community to so many of us that feel alone during these emotional, traumatic and sometimes uplifting experiences. Hold your momo close, let her wonder and joy bleed into your heart as I'm sure already do.

When you are ready to read these comments, know that i also emailed you about a different but related path, hoping to bring attention and research to the psychosocial needs of women and couples undergoing ART. I hope to learn from your perspective and perhaps be a champion together. Love to you and your family.

[Jojo]

Your beautiful family makes me smile. We all love you.

[Jaclyn]

So sorry - I just remembered Momo had been in storage a few years before implantation, and if my math is right her embryo was created 7 years ago, so it would be less likely the donor is still young enough to be a strong candidate for donation, or in a position in her life in which she wanted to donate again.

Just give yourself time to grieve. You don’t need to make any decisions now about the future, and just hug Momo a lot. I’m so sorry