I haven't written much about the choice of living without children after infertility because Noah and I aren't there, yet. I add the "yet" because after four years on IF Island, I know that nothing is definite. Thoughts, ideas, feelings, decisions, and what seems best at a given time are all constantly changing. And because we haven't come to this decision, I don't know if I feel...qualified to really write about it, so anyone who has made this choice, please comment and chime in. It's an important dialogue to have.
Just after our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful, someone asked me if we had considered not having kids. I responded with a very blunt, "No." You could almost hear the period at the end of the word when I said it. It was not something we had considered, it was not part of our "plan." Cut to two years, more ART treatments including an unsuccessful round of IVF with my sister's donated eggs, and tens of thousands of dollars later, I can now say, "yes." We have considered it, but it's not the choice we have made for now. We have talked about how much longer we can stand living on IF Island. We have wondered what our lives would be like if we grow old together, just the two of us and perhaps a few furry friends. And we have talked to several people/couples who have made that decision.
One couple I know did a few rounds of IVF and decided this was not how they wanted to spend their time or their money. They knew their chances were very slim because of a variety of factors, and they did not want to go the donor or adoption route. So they made the choice to pour all their love into their dog and into exploring hobbies that made them happy. They spent quality time with their nieces and nephews and redefined their goals and their path. They reconnected to each other and found a way to move forward. They took the time to process and grieve this loss, and they are happy, well adjusted people, who actually say they don't feel like something is missing. They have found other ways to be generative, that don't involve reproduction, and have refocused their energy and creativity on ways of giving back to the world. And they travel and have disposable income and all that jazz. I know another couple who has lived child-free for many years and is now considering adopting an older child through the foster care system. You just never know how things may play out.
I think it's important to remember that living without children after infertility is not throwing in the towel. It's not giving up or walking away. It's a very difficult and heartbreaking choice for many, but it is a choice. Living child-free is making a conscious decision to do something that feels right for you. It's reclaiming a certain degree of power over your life, and making a commitment to happiness in a different, perhaps unexpected way. None of us chose to be in the situations we are currently in. Life leads us down a path sometimes, that takes twists and turns, and leads us to some other unforeseen path with more twists and turns, and it is up to each of us, individually and with our partners, to take a moment to stop and decide if we want to continue or if we want to change directions. It isn't retracing your steps and going backwards, it's taking a new road. It's taking control of your life back and steering it in a new direction. It think it is empowering to look at it from this point of view, rather than to feel defeated. But maybe that's just me. I'm sure there are a lot of different emotions in this decision, none of them easy to deal with.
If it gets to the point where Noah and I are completely miserable and our relationship and emotional well-being and mental health and bank account are severely suffering to a point where we feel ready to step away, we will. It will be painful and I don't even know how I will recover, but I will. I always do. I will have to let go of many of the ideas I had for how I wanted-hoped-expected my life to be, and find a way to redefine it. I have already had to do that in many ways. Though we personally haven't hit that point, we have so much respect and send so much love to all those people out there who have made this very difficult decision.