Don't Count Your Eggs

The Language of Donor Conception

I vividly remember learning the language of infertility, back in the good ol' days when I thought ovulation test strips were going to be the key to our conception success. I remember having to look up acronyms and couldn't believe there was a completely different language to describe not only the TTC process but the emotional roller coaster of being in the 2ww or getting a BFN. 

Now I've started to think about the language of donor conception--is that even a correct term? I know many people feel very strongly about the choice of words or how things are phrased, and I respect that. But I think Noah and I are still figuring out how we feel. Being that Momo is a donated embryo, and she is already so public, Noah and I are going to have some 'splaining to do. I asked him this morning how he would want to refer to the sperm that helped create Momo. He looked at me puzzled. "I've never thought about that," he said. And I completely believed him. Momo is his baby. His little girl. That's all he cares about. But eventually we will have to have a name or label for the sperm that created her, won't we? 

Let me get the technology straight first. Momo was created from the egg of an anonymous egg donor, and the sperm of the infertile couple who got (used? hired? paid for?) that egg donor. Then the wife/mother/woman in that infertile couple carried an embryo made from her husband's sperm and that egg donor, and they had a baby. The generous couple then decided to donate the two left over embryos back to the clinic to be given (used? bought?) to another couple/person, us. We dusted off my uterus and implanted one of said embryos into it, (Momo has a sibling waiting for us in the freezer) and now Momo is a 20-week old fetus (baby?), kicking away in there. (Yup, I've started to feel her and sometimes see her punching and kicking more regularly. She seems kinda low, like she's almost reaching for the exit, but I'll take it!). Does that all make sense?

"I don't really like biological father," I said to Noah, in response to his lack of response to my question. Somehow the word father or dad doesn't really sit well with me. As far as I'm concerned, Noah is the father/dad. Period. But perhaps this---man, that we may or may not ever know-- is technically Momo's bio dad. 

"And he wasn't really a sperm donor," I added. Because he wasn't technically a sperm donor. He was the husband. He contributed his sperm to make his own child, and then he donated the embryos that were created using his sperm...but he wasn't really a sperm donor, was he? Some people don't even like the term sperm donor, because the word donor implies that something was donated rather than sold. Sperm and egg donors both (usually) get compensated. So is that really a donation in the proper sense of the word? 

Noah looked at me the way he does most mornings when my brain is wide awake and running laps before 7am--like I'm completely insane, and said, "I don't know. Silent partner? I just want to figure out what I'm going to be called. Dad or Daddy, Daddy-O..." 

Silent partner. I kind of liked that. In the book Finding Our Families by Wendy Kramer, there's a small sections about terminology where different people with different relationships to donor conception comment on terminology. On page 7, a child conceived with sperm donation says that the sperm contribution is not his donor, but his parents' donor, and he considered the "sperm donor" to be his "father." 

Kramer cited a study of 751 offspring (another term I'm not a huge fan of) who were "asked to select all of the different terms with which they referred to their donors; in response, 41% said "donor," 30% said "sperm donor," 28% said "biological father," 11.5% said "donor dad," 85.% used the term "father" and 4.5% used the term "genetic father," (p.8). It appears that this was specific to sperm donation and  includes same sex couples, where there may not be another "father " in the home. But it's kind of interesting to see all the different terms. Terms which I'm sure aren't a constant but that are tried on like different hats during a child's identity formation years. 

I have heard that some people with known donors or a surrogate refer to that other person as "Auntie" or "Uncle." Growing up I had a variety of aunts and uncles, family friends of my parents, who weren't related to me. If that terminology works for a family, why not?

And what about the term embryo donation versus embryo adoption? I use the terms somewhat interchangeably but many people may feel strongly one way or another. Momo is not genetically related to eith one of us, so does that inherently mean she is adopted or is that term reserved for the actual process of adoption? The embryo was donated by the couple, but it sure wasn't donated to us--we paid for it. While the clinic can't claim to charge for the embryo, they can charge for the medical procedure (which was about $3,000) and then they can charge an "administration fee" of $4,000. What was that for? The handful of emails and cycle coordination I did with the nurse? I suppose. The embryo was donated by the infertile couple, so I consider it quite an amazing gift, so the term donated embryo does actually work fine for me. 

It seems like there really isn't a right or wrong, but more a what feels right to each individual and family. What feels right to Noah and I might be different from what feels right to Momo, and we will have to respect that. I will never refer to her as our donor child, she is/will be our baby and Noah and I will be her parents. Not her adopted parents. Not her non-genetic parents. Mom and Dad. Mommy and Daddy. But she will know that there were silent partners out there who helped us find her and have her, and she will know how grateful we are to those people. 

Anyone has thoughts on this? Would love to hear.

Normalizing how Modern Families are Made

Today I had the NT scan. An over the belly ultrasound that measures the baby bits to see if there is a nose bone and some brain parts and something about fluid in the spine. Ask me anything about follicles or fallopian tubes and I can give you an exact scientific answer. Ask me about anything P related and you get "some brain parts." I'm well aware of my area of expertise. Though I woke up with the thought that this could be the worst day of my life, I left the doc with the thought that this is really happening. I still have that placenta primavera jazz (previa) but I'll just hope it works itself out. Look at me being all nonchalant! 

Last night our production team came over and we talked about the documentary we've been making, ONE MORE SHOT. (I don't have a FaceBook page but the film does. Come be our friend at OneMoreShotFilm. I promise no belly picts!). Noah and I have been filming for over two years, and now that we think we are on our way to our ending we are kicking the film into full gear with the help of some incredible people who know how to make it all happen. Sitting around with everyone talking about our lives in third person felt a little strange. Knowing these folks have been watching footage of the most intimate and terrible moments of our lives made me feel proud of what we are doing. Maybe part of me really should be embarrassed, there is a LOT of footage of me peeing in a cup or crying, or both. But I don't feel embarrassed. I feel like our story is the story of 7.3 million Americans and millions more around the word, and if Noah and I can give a face to this, then here we are. I don't like all the secrecy and stigma and I don't like how alone or ashamed some people feel. Infertility is no ones fault. It happens, and it's a medical condition. And it needs to be better understood, and hopefully one day covered by insurance!

Another thing that is important to me is the idea of normalizing how many modern families are created. If all goes well, I'm going to give birth to our adopted daughter. Wow. Writing that down just brought tears to my eyes. She is 100% ours, but genetically she is 100% the gift of strangers. She has siblings out in the world, and she will know her story from day 1. Or day whenever she can understand. With scientific advancements, there's a lot we can do to make a family. It's amazing and it's a miracle, and I'd like to be a part of also making it normal. A family is a group of people who love each other and care about each other. A baby is a tiny person who has little bitty fingers and toes. That's all that matters in the end.

We interviewed a woman over the weekend, who became a single mom by choice at the age of 46 with the help of an egg donor and a sperm donor. She jokingly referred to her "Frankenstein baby," but seeing the tiny little girl in her arms she was far from monstrous. She was beautiful and special. She was a gift from pieces of other people who allowed this woman to become a mother. 

It has taken a village, literally, to make Momo. I tried to count all the people involved from doctors, to naturopathy docs, to friends, to family to donors...it's more than I can count on two hands. So as Noah always says, when this kid is born she will know she was so wanted, that other people wanted us to have her too. So where's the shame in that? I had/have a broken part and my village helped me find a way around it. To me that's a beautiful thing. 

DO count your eggs!

I just finished reading a book that recently came out called It Starts With The Egg by Rebecca Fett. It's all about egg quality and the various things, from environmental toxins to vitamins/supplements to diet, that can impact egg quality. The book draws from 500 scientific studies and gives the reader an understanding of the science of a developing egg, as well as an analysis of what the current research shows. The author has a background in molecular biology and biochemistry, and when she was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), she set out to research what she could do to increase her chances of success.  The end result was that after making changes to her diet and lifestyle and adding specific supplements, she went from having just a few follicles in her ovaries to having about 20. On the day of her retrieval, the doctor harvested 22 eggs, out of which 19 became good-quality blastocysts. This hardly sounds like the outcome of someone with DOR.

Reading this book both freaked me out and made me feel more informed. I was freaked out by how many toxins we are all exposed to, and how unregulated a lot of it seems. Yes. Keep away from BPA and plastic tupperware, but scented lotions and nail polish and receipts? AHHH! Though we can't avoid all things toxic, becoming more aware can help us make the better choices. We are all looking for more ways to feel like we have some control over our situation, right? Perhaps making specific changes and taking certain supplements (CoQ10 anyone?) can help. It certainly can't hurt.

Though I don't believe there is a prescription for getting pregnant or having a successful IVF cycle, I do believe being healthy and cautious about what we put in, on, and around our bodies is important. I also believe that different bodies require different levels of intensity when it comes to this stuff. I do my best to stay away from empty carbs, processed foods, caffeine and alcohol, and I eat lots of veggies and take herbs and vitamins. I've done a lot of this stuff (much of what is outlined in this book) for over two years now and haven't seen much improvement in my ovarian reserve. But other people, like the author of the book, do have significant improvement! And there is evidence that supports it. This book gives a lot of great information and specific action steps for anyone interested in improving egg quality. 

Every body is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. Sixteen-year-olds get pregnant on a steady diet of hot cheetos and diet Coke! We can't make ourselves too nuts about everything, but we can do whatever is within our power to give ourselves the best chance. Then we can at least know we did everything we could. 

Music to My Embryo's...ears?

This morning I read an article (that I found through twitter, so I have no idea about the legitimacy) about a study that claims playing music to embryos in the dish can increase fertilization rates by 5 %.  The study was on 1000 embryos, 1/2 of which got music piped into their incubators (mainly heavy metal, rock and some classical) and the result was that the eggs that were rocking out were found to have a 5 % higher rate of fertilization, "possibly due to the vibrations created by the music." 

This sounds kind of ridiculous but also reminds me that all this science is so new and constantly changing. I know my doc doesn't like to open the incubator more than once a day so I pretty much know what his thoughts about streaming Pearl Jam into the incubator would be. I guess the idea is when an embryo is naturally forming it moves down the fallopian tubes and is subjected to the rhythms of the human body. Kind of makes sense that vibrations of music may be more like the natural environment, but who knows. 

I'm going to try and convince Noah to make an embryo playlist, though I'm not sure how into it he'll be. He already thinks I'm completely nuts so maybe he'll just comply, no questions asked. But I'll play it once the embryos are in my belly, maybe it will help them grow knowing there's a party going on out in the world!

What would be on your embryo playlist?