I vividly remember learning the language of infertility, back in the good ol' days when I thought ovulation test strips were going to be the key to our conception success. I remember having to look up acronyms and couldn't believe there was a completely different language to describe not only the TTC process but the emotional roller coaster of being in the 2ww or getting a BFN.
Now I've started to think about the language of donor conception--is that even a correct term? I know many people feel very strongly about the choice of words or how things are phrased, and I respect that. But I think Noah and I are still figuring out how we feel. Being that Momo is a donated embryo, and she is already so public, Noah and I are going to have some 'splaining to do. I asked him this morning how he would want to refer to the sperm that helped create Momo. He looked at me puzzled. "I've never thought about that," he said. And I completely believed him. Momo is his baby. His little girl. That's all he cares about. But eventually we will have to have a name or label for the sperm that created her, won't we?
Let me get the technology straight first. Momo was created from the egg of an anonymous egg donor, and the sperm of the infertile couple who got (used? hired? paid for?) that egg donor. Then the wife/mother/woman in that infertile couple carried an embryo made from her husband's sperm and that egg donor, and they had a baby. The generous couple then decided to donate the two left over embryos back to the clinic to be given (used? bought?) to another couple/person, us. We dusted off my uterus and implanted one of said embryos into it, (Momo has a sibling waiting for us in the freezer) and now Momo is a 20-week old fetus (baby?), kicking away in there. (Yup, I've started to feel her and sometimes see her punching and kicking more regularly. She seems kinda low, like she's almost reaching for the exit, but I'll take it!). Does that all make sense?
"I don't really like biological father," I said to Noah, in response to his lack of response to my question. Somehow the word father or dad doesn't really sit well with me. As far as I'm concerned, Noah is the father/dad. Period. But perhaps this---man, that we may or may not ever know-- is technically Momo's bio dad.
"And he wasn't really a sperm donor," I added. Because he wasn't technically a sperm donor. He was the husband. He contributed his sperm to make his own child, and then he donated the embryos that were created using his sperm...but he wasn't really a sperm donor, was he? Some people don't even like the term sperm donor, because the word donor implies that something was donated rather than sold. Sperm and egg donors both (usually) get compensated. So is that really a donation in the proper sense of the word?
Noah looked at me the way he does most mornings when my brain is wide awake and running laps before 7am--like I'm completely insane, and said, "I don't know. Silent partner? I just want to figure out what I'm going to be called. Dad or Daddy, Daddy-O..."
Silent partner. I kind of liked that. In the book Finding Our Families by Wendy Kramer, there's a small sections about terminology where different people with different relationships to donor conception comment on terminology. On page 7, a child conceived with sperm donation says that the sperm contribution is not his donor, but his parents' donor, and he considered the "sperm donor" to be his "father."
Kramer cited a study of 751 offspring (another term I'm not a huge fan of) who were "asked to select all of the different terms with which they referred to their donors; in response, 41% said "donor," 30% said "sperm donor," 28% said "biological father," 11.5% said "donor dad," 85.% used the term "father" and 4.5% used the term "genetic father," (p.8). It appears that this was specific to sperm donation and includes same sex couples, where there may not be another "father " in the home. But it's kind of interesting to see all the different terms. Terms which I'm sure aren't a constant but that are tried on like different hats during a child's identity formation years.
I have heard that some people with known donors or a surrogate refer to that other person as "Auntie" or "Uncle." Growing up I had a variety of aunts and uncles, family friends of my parents, who weren't related to me. If that terminology works for a family, why not?
And what about the term embryo donation versus embryo adoption? I use the terms somewhat interchangeably but many people may feel strongly one way or another. Momo is not genetically related to eith one of us, so does that inherently mean she is adopted or is that term reserved for the actual process of adoption? The embryo was donated by the couple, but it sure wasn't donated to us--we paid for it. While the clinic can't claim to charge for the embryo, they can charge for the medical procedure (which was about $3,000) and then they can charge an "administration fee" of $4,000. What was that for? The handful of emails and cycle coordination I did with the nurse? I suppose. The embryo was donated by the infertile couple, so I consider it quite an amazing gift, so the term donated embryo does actually work fine for me.
It seems like there really isn't a right or wrong, but more a what feels right to each individual and family. What feels right to Noah and I might be different from what feels right to Momo, and we will have to respect that. I will never refer to her as our donor child, she is/will be our baby and Noah and I will be her parents. Not her adopted parents. Not her non-genetic parents. Mom and Dad. Mommy and Daddy. But she will know that there were silent partners out there who helped us find her and have her, and she will know how grateful we are to those people.
Anyone has thoughts on this? Would love to hear.